Flip Flops

My last post was written roughly a year ago. Blogging just doesn't create that traction it used to before. Or so I thought. Someone I came into contact recently sparked my interest in all sorts of things I had lost the spark for. This summer has been what I feel like an essential experience and stepping stone to cement myself even more.

Before anything, Gratitude is what has been on my mind religiously.
I used to put a lot more importance in people-pleasing, just couldn't withstand not being there for everyone, for a talk, a walk, I made their problems mine without taking the time to actually focus on myself, probably wouldn't even go the mental lengths I would go for a partner. Partnership, something I had and am learning to detach a bit from, as someone who can easily become co-dependent, not in a needy way, but in a I-will-do-back-flips-to-help-you-and-neglect-my-needs way.

Had you told me 6 months ago about the small adventures I would have lived by now, I wouldn't know whether to cry, shudder, smile or just flee. The truth is that this was a transformative and blessed year, and learning how to let go was essential. From past hurts, relationships, cycles, patterns, memories and thoughts I no longer feel the need to identify with. I tried positivity, being deeply involved in the moment and in life in general, not stressing about outsider perceptions and other input I would otherwise spend hours stressing over. Accepting as is. Being wonderfully fascinated by the present.

I had the pleasure of visiting 3 different towns I had never been to, and visit, explore like a local, with friends, family and most importantly, myself. It's so funny where life gets you, and what it brings to your doorstep when all you did was mumble under your breath what you were wishing for. Somehow, things find their way to you, or you just learn how to make space for them while listening to your intuition, without feeling the guilt attached. What a glorious thought, to realize how many times you can re-invent and feel yourself out.

But then new questions arise, what guides me? What moral compass am I under effect? Have I lost myself? Am I honoring the little kid inside of me, or killing and betraying it unknowingly? What is the limbo in which I can live so as not to get stiffened up by life, nor too lost in my own dreamy state?

Above everything, life never flows in one line, but in a wavy one with big ups and downs and you just need to learn how to better drift in it, how to appreciate the deepness and richness and all the sun you feel on your face once the tide pushes you up again. You can learn how to be compassionate and have a collective love, even while accepting and trying to change the bad. True empathy. I am on a big endless journey to improve my methods and channels of sharing, but that is something I have truly realized, nothing makes sense unless shared, not with one single person, but our own experience can be revitalizing to someone which I have no grasp of. Stories, love is what moves us. We can always learn to learn again. To drop silly inhibitions, to show our real smile. To write, dance, sing, without bearing in mind anything else but the sheer act of it, without thinking I am being watched, or that I look silly. Do it because you feel the need bursting from under your skin because the calling is sacred and can truly help.

I have also been trying to practice on how to show affection in simple ways that can help me and effectively portray my feelings, to also feel more present. I was someone who always deterred from certain displays, who in many ways didn't know how to share that part of herself in a wholesome, non-sexual way. It's so pleasing to work on that, give out real hugs, share all the tears, a simple touch on a friend's arm or a knowing lock of gaze.

"No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you" - Carl Jung

This quote also resonates to me, as when I listen to myself closely, pay attention to what my first impulses are, and try to balance the energies around me, what I ask for, is what I get, and I saw this happen not only to myself but to others around me. I do not know if that is the Law of Attraction as I don't have enough readings on that to confirm, but it has been impossible not to notice some amazing synchronicities I have been registring all around me. Not everything is positive, and yet, I can always find space to get some perspective on an issue, I can always find the calmer answer somewhere within me, it is there. Empathy is the journey and gratitude is the only destination for sure. I keep living with this child-like gleam in my eyes. Multiple opportunities keep flowing in, and I am mesmerized, and in Love. I just have to focus to come across deep messages held by special people that just so happen to cross my way. Search for inspiration in the little things, be propelled forward.

Change is Good

Hello!

Life is so incredibly messy, that even if I really try, I can't force myself to engage in activities that don't feel real anymore. Progressively, I've just been distancing myself from societal norms, talking back, standing up for myself, and other wonderful things I've learned over the past few years, in which I enrolled in university, and just got sucked into this mind-blowing experience we call Life.

I've fallen in and out of love with it, numerous times, up until now, when I feel as if I've finally reached some of the tranquility and understanding I was looking for in this world. 2016 was a rough year, and it took me a long time to recover from all the scars that were inflicted upon me, and all of those that were self-inflicted. Heartbreak and constant failure can change you, man, and in me, I felt like it triggered a monumental revolution, that led me to a path of acceptance and discovery, that allowed me to renew friendships and start to decode something rooted deep within me.

It feels so incredibly good being in my own skin, being able to just be. Change is constant, and I've felt her, immensely. For that, I am so grateful. It may not look like much, but the stories that these two years encapsule, oh man. So much beauty, and hurt, so many new things, so many lessons.

The thing is, in my new mindset, I can't force myself to write anything unauthentic, I can't write silly, overused captions on Instagram and pretend that I feel that fake intimacy that it gives to so many people, I can't be around people that are not good for me, I try to be as analytical, unbiased, understanding and patient as I can. I'm no longer accepting that my scars bleed over blank pages. I'm no longer denying my reality, the one where I thought I couldn't succeed because I just didn't have the same tools, experience, know-how as the other people; but I am now trying to work with it, make it as much mine as I possibly can. My anxiety has calmed down by a lot, and I just feel a new energy. And it's freaking lovely. I love where I'm at right now, even though people still insist on trying to define my life by me sometimes or try to tell me what version of myself they see through their eyes.

So much on my mind lately, the options seem literally endless. I've been pondering learning a new language, taking new courses and skills, be it collages, pottery, psychology. I've finally decided that upon finishing my senior year, I'll be taking a gap year. I used to feel the need to drift along with what everyone was doing or saying. "That that was valid and this would fulfill you and bring you money as long as you do it by this age, under these circumstances". Even my peers forced me into that stupid box. I don't want to sit in it and be limited to a certain area all my life. I have many years to learn so much. I am ready for all the knowledge that is coming my way!
Many times, when I was feeling down, uninspired, I tried to join as many things as I could, all at once, just to prove that I was doing something, that I wasn't a failure. Always updating social media because how else are people going to keep interested and up to date with you? I now find that so many people seem to do this, just fill their online presence with stuff to prove something. To themselves? To others? Who knows.

Is there any structure to this post? I guess not. I've just been so indecisive about starting to write here again, because it's so pointless but at the same time it could do so much good, especially to my mental health. And on a whim, I just downloaded Blogger and started typing like a monkey again. All of a sudden I couldn't stop, hence the lack of structure. I'm just pumped and feeling creative all of a sudden, imagining all the topics I can now share, my new interests, my new way of rambling (if I feel like it) and just my new perspectives. Until next time,

Love and Light!