Change is Good

Hello!

Life is so incredibly messy, that even if I really try, I can't force myself to engage in activities that don't feel real anymore. Progressively, I've just been distancing myself from societal norms, talking back, standing up for myself, and other wonderful things I've learned over the past few years, in which I enrolled in university, and just got sucked into this mind-blowing experience we call Life.

I've fallen in and out of love with it, numerous times, up until now, when I feel as if I've finally reached some of the tranquility and understanding I was looking for in this world. 2016 was a rough year, and it took me a long time to recover from all the scars that were inflicted upon me, and all of those that were self-inflicted. Heartbreak and constant failure can change you, man, and in me, I felt like it triggered a monumental revolution, that led me to a path of acceptance and discovery, that allowed me to renew friendships and start to decode something rooted deep within me.

It feels so incredibly good being in my own skin, being able to just be. Change is constant, and I've felt her, immensely. For that, I am so grateful. It may not look like much, but the stories that these two years encapsule, oh man. So much beauty, and hurt, so many new things, so many lessons.

The thing is, in my new mindset, I can't force myself to write anything unauthentic, I can't write silly, overused captions on Instagram and pretend that I feel that fake intimacy that it gives to so many people, I can't be around people that are not good for me, I try to be as analytical, unbiased, understanding and patient as I can. I'm no longer accepting that my scars bleed over blank pages. I'm no longer denying my reality, the one where I thought I couldn't succeed because I just didn't have the same tools, experience, know-how as the other people; but I am now trying to work with it, make it as much mine as I possibly can. My anxiety has calmed down by a lot, and I just feel a new energy. And it's freaking lovely. I love where I'm at right now, even though people still insist on trying to define my life by me sometimes or try to tell me what version of myself they see through their eyes.

So much on my mind lately, the options seem literally endless. I've been pondering learning a new language, taking new courses and skills, be it collages, pottery, psychology. I've finally decided that upon finishing my senior year, I'll be taking a gap year. I used to feel the need to drift along with what everyone was doing or saying. "That that was valid and this would fulfill you and bring you money as long as you do it by this age, under these circumstances". Even my peers forced me into that stupid box. I don't want to sit in it and be limited to a certain area all my life. I have many years to learn so much. I am ready for all the knowledge that is coming my way!
Many times, when I was feeling down, uninspired, I tried to join as many things as I could, all at once, just to prove that I was doing something, that I wasn't a failure. Always updating social media because how else are people going to keep interested and up to date with you? I now find that so many people seem to do this, just fill their online presence with stuff to prove something. To themselves? To others? Who knows.

Is there any structure to this post? I guess not. I've just been so indecisive about starting to write here again, because it's so pointless but at the same time it could do so much good, especially to my mental health. And on a whim, I just downloaded Blogger and started typing like a monkey again. All of a sudden I couldn't stop, hence the lack of structure. I'm just pumped and feeling creative all of a sudden, imagining all the topics I can now share, my new interests, my new way of rambling (if I feel like it) and just my new perspectives. Until next time,

Love and Light!