Nobody knows me, except myself

 I wish I could put on some glasses that would allow me to see what other people think of me, because I'm sure all the people I know would have a different perception. People who barely know me would maybe think I'm a bitch, or grumpy all the time. Classmates could think I'm great at history, that I'm a bit shy and irony runs through my veins. Sort of close friends could think they know me. Thing is, all these people know bits and pieces of me, not me as a whole. They have all sorts of perceptions about me, or other people, for that matter, that they think they can come up with valid opinions about stuff they don't know.

 What makes people think they truly know their friends? You can be friends for like 3 years and not know a single thing about the other person, but since you pass so much time together you think they should have a voice on certain matters. Nobody knows me, and I constantly feel like they try to manipulate me, make me feel bad about stuff they don't really know but think they do. Nobody knows me and I'm alone and in 17 years I wasn't able to make a friendship that'd last more than 3 years, except one, but even with them I feel like they don't know me that much. Sometimes I might be talking to someone and realize "I don't sound like this, I don't talk like this. I'm telling them this, when in reality I'd act completely differently."

I wish I could cut off people off my life with no backlash, I wish it were that easy. Because I analyze myself, I really do, I spend so much time in this head of mine and I feel the need to analyze my actions, and I can admit when I'm wrong, but I can't point out when other people do me wrong, because I know, I just know. I can be too harsh, too real, people don't like that. Most people don't analyze themselves, most people act without thinking and barely even use their brains, and I'm not saying this to sound superior, it's really just something that happens. I accept my flaws, I accept that I'm stubborn, and proud sometimes, but I try to change my behaviors as soon as someone points out that I've hurt them by acting in a certain way. Will other people do that? Most times, not really, no.

I wish I didn't feel this need to explain every single one of my acts to people that don't get the reason behind them, that I didn't feel all this pressure to explain myself, to make other people happy even though it might make me feel miserable but as they outnumber me, I have to please them. You know, most people you meet in school won't even remember you as soon as it ends, most things you're worried about, all these explanations, peer pressures, it will end when school ends, and you'll realize that yes, you're alone, but did all that even matter? Did you get anything out of those friendships? You don't have to be sad about friendships with no longevity, you really don't. You'll meet tons of people like that, most of them, in school. School is such a small small world and everyone is stupid and selfish and childish and thinks they're superior and they're the center of the earth. I say, fuck them. I say fuck needing approvals, I say shut the door the way you want if you feel like you're struggling, fuck explanations to people who don't deserve them. The only person you can count on, always, should be yourself.